Like I’ve said many times on this page, the fantasy is often way better than the reality. If you decide you want to get back together, then you have to agree never to let something like that happen again. I think it’s fine to give each other a bit of space to think things over, but try to arrange a date when you can meet to talk about it. I think you love each other and want to be together, but there are a lot of raw emotions flying around at the moment, not to mention flashbacks to the night in question. The fact is, once it was on the cards you probably both did it only because you thought the other was into it and didn’t want to be the killjoy. This makes the conversation less “Your friends are jealous of me” and more “I want to be part of your life.He is just as responsible for this situation as you are – if not more because he was the one who wanted to give it a try.
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You're also learning how to insert yourself. Say something like, "I’d like you to make more of an effort so your friends can get to know me." By wording it this way, you’re asking your partner to be sensitive to your plight, Brosh says. That's why, in this scenario, it's worth discussing the issue with your partner. If you feel that's the case, "it's hard not to take this personally, particularly if you’re introverted or come from an upbringing where you weren't 'seen' or appreciated," says Brosh. "I do think there can be a frank conversation without judgment," Brosh says.īut. Try to understand what it is about these friendships that your partner enjoys - it just might help you shift your "idiot" perspective. "Calling someone’s friends 'idiots' is a direct criticism of the person who has those friendships." Her advice? Come from a place of curiosity. "A healthy, evolved person chooses friends that inspire, support and share the same values on some level," she notes. "It's rude and counterproductive."īrosh agrees. "To insult a partner's friends is to insult your partner," she says.
The trick here is to handle your feelings in the most nonjudgmental way possible, says Hartman, because it’s counterproductive to call them idiots. “By refusing to socialize, you force your partner to choose,” notes clinical psychologist, Joseph Burgo, Ph.D.īut. And try not to avoid these people altogether. That said, you can express your dislike of your parther's friends' behaviors, and explain why you feel that way. “The worst thing you can do is try to get to see his friends for what they are, which forces him to go to their defense - and his own defense for liking them,” says Hartman. Is she becoming a messy drunk? Is he starting to act disrespectful? Birds of a feather don't always flock together: As long as your partner stays true-blue, staying mum about his/her friends is the path of least resistance. Your first step in this case, according to Hartman? Taking a good, hard look at your partner. Who knows? Maybe these people are just socially awkward. So try to look beyond the outrageous behavior. “Even if someone is incredibly annoying or obnoxious, it always comes from an insecure place,” observes Brosh. Simply suggest to your partner that he/she help bridge the gap. “ let an insecurity be an excuse for not trying to connect with them,” advises Hartman. Instead, let's rephrase it: You don't feel comfortable around them - and that's more workable. Since you're not a mind reader, let’s not assume this is true. “Ultimately, if you choose to have the relationship, you have to accept that is friends with them,” she says.įeel like it's time to learn a little acceptance and support your partner in his/her relationships? You can start by putting these excuses to rest:īut.
“At the end of the day, if someone wants to be in a relationship with someone they love, having a relationship with their friends on some level is important,” says California-based psychologist Andra Brosh, Ph.D.īehavioral scientist and dating expert Christie Hartman, Ph.D., agrees. You'll have to mingle with them sometimes (yes, even the ones who are more hideously annoying than fingernails on chalkboard, like the two types described above). After all, no matter how you feel about your partner's pals, the fact remains that these bozos are a part of your life. Or, “We have a history together.” Or, “You just don’t understand them.” What to do?Īccording to some experts, the solution to this common relationship issue is a little thing called. “You don’t get to choose my friends,” your partner says. You’d like to draw a big X over these people's names, but your partner is completely loyal to them and gets defensive whenever you suggest that said people be phased out of your lives. Or maybe they're self-admitting sexists who tell crass, demeaning jokes whenever you're around (jokes your husband laughs off). Maybe they're messy drunks who keep drawing your wife down their negative, drama-filled path. The truth is out: You don't like some of your partner's friends.
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